Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months