*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?