Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.