Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Jail
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…