“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.