Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
sensitive skin
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?