it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”