cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.