My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.