Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
live long and prosper!