“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
he was correct
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.