I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
What number SPF blocks people?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵