her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I could NOT have put it better myself.