Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes