If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”