They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”