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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer