Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*