I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Just ordered me some pizza!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no