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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
whatcha thinkin bout
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Hot Hot Hot
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
sistine chapel
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.