Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER