A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Boom, boom, ching!
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow