i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
o shit
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.