The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.