[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.