Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 馃檨
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Day 137 of telling myself I鈥檒l start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no