Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that