Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Not my job 😂
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
pizza
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.