Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.