Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Called it
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms