ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?