A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
He a real one for that
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.