Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive