If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
You Might Also Like
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does