Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You Might Also Like
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
🛁
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*