I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?