Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
January has been Januweary
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.