[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?