BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Baller is short for ballerina
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
how it started vs how it ended
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse