Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I falcon love using swear birds
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
War & Peace
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.