Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.