I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.