when someone compliments me
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Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Breaking news:
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.