Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Well, that should do it
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?