I’d use my best pan on you.
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My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET