Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
What about second breakfast?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.