Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You Might Also Like
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.