Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
He’s dead
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
This is I, Robot all over again
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.