This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes