[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
i wish i could marry a nap
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Nothing to do, you say?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?